Life will bring all of our children a dose of interference from time-to-time. This might make them angry, anxious, depressed or upset. These feelings are normal, as long as they are short- lived and appropriately managed for the lessons they can teach and the growth they bring, albeit uncomfortable or even painful at the time.
It’s never nice watching your child suffer some kind of pain or loss. Sometimes you physically hurt for them and would do anything to take their pain away. While childhood is full of fun, joy and new adventures, it also brings its fair share of disappointments such as:
- Not making the desired sports team
- Not getting a role in the school play
- Not getting the teacher they want
- Doing badly in a test or exam
- The break-up of a friendship
- Not being selected for a leadership position
- Suffering from illness or injury
- Moving town or country
- Dealing with death or divorce in the family
Working through these hurdles and coming out stronger on the other side requires a level of mental toughness that top athletes understand, says mental performance coach, Christo Spies. He lost his leg in a motorbike accident at the age of 18 and went on to become a Springbok athlete, receiving the State President’s Award for his achievements in sport. He has some words of wisdom that might help you to help your child in these challenging situations.
The most important lesson Christo discovered through his accident was that when something goes wrong in one area of your life, you must not confuse it with the bigger context of your life.
“I couldn’t confuse my missing leg with my whole life. My whole life wasn’t just about my leg, I still had potential,” he explains. “Many people tend to focus on what they have lost instead of what they have left.”
Whatever your child’s loss or disappointment, you need to help them to recognise that they always have potential regardless of the circumstances they find themselves in. What they do with their potential moving forward is their choice.
Spies has a formula that he uses in his mental toughness coaching:
Performance = Potential – Interference.
In his own situation, he had to acknowledge his potential minus the interference of the loss of his leg from the knee down. He could have got stuck in asking himself why this had happened to him but, instead, he decided that the question shouldn’t be “Why?” but rather, “What can I do on one leg?”
Asking the right questions enables you to live with hope.
According to leadership expert, Dr John Maxwell, hope in the future provides power in the present. This is the secret to mental toughness.
Life will bring all of our children a dose of interference from time-to-time. This might make them angry, anxious, depressed or upset. These feelings are normal, as long as they are short- lived and appropriately managed for the lessons they can teach and the growth they bring, albeit uncomfortable or even painful at the time.
I think Christo’s example of not confusing his leg with his whole life is a very powerful way to remind your child that he/she is bigger than the problem or disappointment currently at hand, and they are still filled with the potential to reach their dreams and succeed in life.
Helping your child work through the challenges of childhood with all your love, support, perspective and guidance provides the foundations for mental toughness training needed in adulthood.
NIKKI'S PARENTING TIPS
- Life will run interference from time-to-time.
- When one thing goes wrong, not everything is wrong.
- Your child is bigger than the problem at hand.
- What you do with your potential in the future is a choice.
- Performance = potential – interference.
- Hope in the future provides power in the present.
- Don’t try and take all tough situations away from your child or they won’t learn mental toughness.
- Opportunities to develop mental toughness in childhood are good training for adulthood.
NIKKI BUSH Creative parenting expert, inspirational speaker and co-author of Tech-Savvy Parenting (Bookstorm, 2014), Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008), and Easy Answers to Awkward Questions (Metz Press, 2009) . This is an extract from Nikki Bush's ebook Parenting Matters nikki@nikkibush.com www.nikkibush.com